You’ve probably heard the term “positive parenting” if you follow any mom influencers or read parenting blogs or books. And, if you’re like me, of course you want to be a positive parent. But what does “positive parenting” mean practically?
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Positive Parenting Defined
Let’s start by looking at what the positive parenting philosophy is and is not. Positive parenting is not a permissive, laissez-faire, let-your-kids-do-and-say-whatever-they-want approach. It’s not letting your kids run the show in your household, giving in to their every demand, consequence-free.
Rather, positive parenting is about creating healthy and respectful boundaries with your child to help him or her grow up into a caring and empathetic person. It’s about fostering responsibility, healthy emotions, and teaching coping skills. It’s about seeing your child as a full and whole human being even, and especially, in childhood, and worthy of respect and love.
Instead of viewing parenting as a way to control your children, positive parenting becomes a way to teach your children how to control themselves in a respectful way. Positive parenting equips your child to process and problem solve in a way that is not only inward-focused, but also outward-focused.
1. Show Love
So, how do you do it? I’d venture to say that we’ve all been at the end of our parenting ropes, ready to lock ourselves in the bathroom, and pull out our hair at some point(s) in our journey as parents. What are some practical and manageable ways to parent like this?
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Show your child how much you love them. Set the groundwork for a healthy relationship by assuring your child of your love for her or him. Based on your child’s needs and personality, show how much you care for and value him or her. Play a game together, or take a walk or bike ride. Give extra hugs. Genuinely listen to your child when he or she wants to go on and on about Minecraft or Pokémon. This helps your child feel safe and valued and builds confidence. When he or she makes a mistake, he or she will know that you love him or her not based on what he or she does, but who he or she is.
2. Set Boundaries
Set clear and realistic boundaries and expectations. Positive parenting does not mean discipline-free parenting. Set age-appropriate boundaries with consequences that can be enforced, while taking into account the specific personality of your child. When possible, let natural consequences follow. For example, if your child is angry and spills her or his cereal on the floor, show how to wipe up the milk and vacuum up the cereal. When it comes to consequences, come up with a plan ahead of time that takes into account your child’s age and maturity, so that you aren’t flying by the seat of your pants. If your child is old enough, she or he can even help you come up with a plan together.
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3. Avoid Shame
Avoid shaming your child at all costs. For some of us, this might involve hard work to break generational cycles we have seen modeled from our past. When you shame a child, you hurt her or his spirit. This can have far-reaching consequences on mental health and self worth. Saying or doing something that speaks negatively to a child’s identity as a human is never the goal with parenting. “You’re so naughty!” “Stop being a cry baby!” “You’re a bad boy.” Instead, when correction is needed, respectfully speak to a specific behavior. Treating your child with dignity and respect will help enable her or him to treat others the same way, and offer confidence and personal growth even when she or he makes mistakes.
4. Model
Model your expectations. When you mess up, genuinely apologize. Set up proactive strategies that both you and your child can utilize when either of you start to feel frustrated or angry. Some ideas might include making an agreement to stop and wash your hands when you feel the urge to yell, or to spin in 10 circles when you’re frustrated and feel like you can’t communicate well. Whatever little thing it is that you agree to do (and yes, it might feel silly in the moment), use that to practically diffuse the situation, so that you can respond appropriately without an emotional, off-the-cuff reaction. A game plan to handle big emotions before they erupt is a life skill we all need.
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5. Find Support
Surround yourself with a support network. One of the most valuable tools to my parenting is my support network. Parenting is hard (and rewarding!) work. Finding other like-minded people to come along side me and support me, to give me ideas, to provide helpful and loving feedback, and to give me a place to vent frustrations has been critical to my parenting journey. Remind yourself that you aren’t alone. Try to form healthy and balanced relationships that will uplift and push you onwards on your positive parenting journey.
Positive parenting is intentional. It doesn’t happen accidentally. None of us will be able to do it perfectly, but that’s okay. It may feel like a rollercoaster at times, with the high highs and low lows, but the outcome is absolutely worth it, for you and for your child.
